When Heroes Aren't Heroic

Recently, sports fans’ relationship with the games they love to watch and those who play them has become a fragile one. A quick glance around just the teams I love is not a pretty one, if being viewed through the moral prism used so frequently by sports writers (When did sports writers become the moral authority anyway? I thought that was Tony Dungy’s job). At Washington State, two players were arrested when 38 marijuana plants were found in their house and one-time-hero-turned-punchline Ryan Leaf once again found himself in the headlines for the wrong reasons when a Sports Illustrated story was released detailing the payments he accepted from an agent. The Wizards are again in the news because of Gilbert Arenas doing something dumb. Although no gun play was involved this time, he is claiming to have faked an injury so that another player could start a preseason game. Dumb is clearly not a strong enough word for “Agent Zero” or whatever he calls himself these days. The Bengals are dealing with a case of mistaken identity with Adam “Pacman” Jones, who has previously claimed he is being profiled by Cincinnati cops. Jones’ transgressions are, of course, well documented and underscore the deteriorating image of athletes as heroes.

These are just a handful of incidents on a handful of teams, but they are a microcosm of a larger problem affecting the sports landscape. Tiger Woods and now Brett Favre have shown that even those who were placed on the highest of pedestals can have their images forever tarnished in the eyes of those who once cheered them. The last decade, in particular, has ushered in a new wave of media that make it virtually impossible for today’s high profile athletes to suffer a misstep without the world knowing about it. It’s reasonable to assume that the behavior of professional athletes in eras gone by was somewhat similar to that of today’s athlete. They had the benefit, however, of not worrying about images of their carousing being snapped on a cell phone and posted immediately to an audience of millions on the internet. Lacking that benefit of the doubt, rarely does a day go by without at least one story being published that puts an athlete in a negative light.

The question for sports fans then becomes, “Should I care?” Is it OK to root like crazy for someone to succeed between the lines if they are less than pious outside them? For many, a hard line is drawn. There is a population of people who will never again root for Tiger Woods or Kobe Bryant. For the most part, this population is a group of people commonly referred to as “women”. Just kidding, ladies. There are surely many others who no longer wish to lend their support to today’s delinquent athlete, whatever the nature of their incident. I don’t begrudge people who take this stance. Like anything else, they are entitled to their opinion. For me, there is no connection to my role as a fan and the behavior (or misbehavior) of professional athletes. I love sports for many reasons, but appreciating my favorite players for being upstanding citizens is not one of them.

A huge number of the people who play sports for a living are generous, hard working individuals with spotless police records and a distinguished history of community service. Good for these people. In no way do I think their stories should go untold. It would surely help the perception of major sports in this country if the coverage of their lives outweighed the coverage of those who are arrested or have pictures of their genitalia plastered all over the World Wide Web. Realistically, though, more people will watch or read a story about Brett Favre’s johnson than they will about the philanthropic efforts of Charlie Batch. This may be more of an indictment on what interests the public than it is a reflection of athletes’ behavior, but that is the environment in which we find ourselves.

The irrational desire I have for my teams to win games is well documented. The reasons for that desire are myriad and are probably best explored by a paid professional with a degree in psychology hanging on their wall. Whatever the reasons are, they supersede my concern over indecent behavior by the men who comprise those teams. If their crime or stupidity gets them suspended or kicked off the team, I will no longer root for them. Until that time, I wish to see them succeed in their pursuit of victory. I dislike Gilbert Arenas, but not because he brought a gun in the locker room. I dislike Gilbert Arenas because he is the highest paid Washington Wizard and he stinks. I root for Tiger Woods not because he’s a sexual deviant. I root for Tiger Woods because he’s the greatest golfer I’ve ever seen and the sport is infinitely more exciting to me when he is in contention. There are some exceptions, of course. I hate Ben Roethlisberger as a person and also hate him because he’s a Steeler. If he played for the Bengals, I’d still most likely hate him as a person, but find a way to justify his presence on the team and be fully prepared to cheer him on when his suspension ended.

The bottom line is that as a constituent of the human race, I do not condone the behavior of those who mistreat women, dogs or anything else, regardless of their profession. As a constituent of the sports fan base, I just want to see my teams to win and enjoy the experience. If I were to combine the two ways of thinking and not root for those that are of substandard character, I’m afraid there would be no teams left that I could support.

Weekend Forecast - 10/1/10

I’ll dazzle you with more inaccurate predictions in a moment, but first a funny fantasy football story. As little as anyone cares about the Mets or WSU or Tottenham Hotspur, I can’t imagine anyone aside from me gives a crap at all about my fantasy football team, but trust me, this is kinda funny. More “sad funny” than “funny haha”, but still. To provide a brief back story, I had Ryan Grant on my team, he went down for the year and my running back situation immediately went to hell. I’m now in the position of having guys who could be good, as long as someone else gets hurt and can’t play. One of those guys is Kenneth Darby. Before last Sunday, I had never heard of Mr. Darby and certainly wouldn’t have imagined he’d be on my team. Kenneth is the back-up to the Rams’ starting running back, Steven Jackson, who injured his groin last week. Because of this injury, I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time checking on Jackson’s status. I even went so far as to follow him on Twitter to keep up to date on how he was doing (incidentally, he had a “good practice” today and he participated a little; this was not good news to me). So this is what the 21^st century is like: in order to be successful as general manager of a fake football team, I can use my cell phone to access something called Twitter to keep up to speed on the goings-on of another man’s groin. You know what’s really amazing about this? I have a girlfriend. A really attractive one. And she actually likes me…well at least until she reads this paragraph.

Now on to my weekly forecast!

As always (is it too early to use “as always”? I’ve only done this twice), we’ll check in with My Stinky Teams first:

Tottenham Hotspur (H – Aston Villa)

Villa were a serious contender for my allegiance, due in no small part to the fact that their colors are the same as a club soccer team that I played on back in middle school. As great a reason to cheer for a team as that is, I went with Spurs and couldn’t be happier with my decision. Now I want Villa to get smashed. It’s time that Spurs quit lollygagging in League games and actually beat someone.

Prediction: Spurs 2 – Villa 1

Mets (vs. it doesn't matter)

It sounds like the Mets are going to fire both their general manager. This seems to be sending the message that the Mets were an assembly of bad players with a poor leader in charge of them on a day-to-day basis. Well I guess that explains the struggles. A new manager should be a good source of misplaced optimism for next year. I cant wait!

Washington State Football (@ UCLA)

I've come to realize that no matter how awful the Cougs play on the previous Saturday, I always start to think by Thursday or Friday that things will go much better the next game. Maybe this is the week. UCLA is coming off a huge upset over Texas and it looks like they'll be missing their starting quarterback this week. On the other hand, WSU hasn't won a conference game in almost two years. I just can't pick a win

Prediction: UCLA 35 - WSU 20

Bengals (@ Browns)

For some reason, I've seen several predictions that the Browns will win this game. I believe the Bengals defense will have none of that. I'm worried about Carson Palmer, sure, but they've found ways to win in spite of his struggles. Cincy will retain bragging rights in the state of Ohio. That's kinda like being the coolest kid in marching band, but bragging rights are bragging rights.

Prediction: Bengals 23 - Browns 10

With the exception of a few teams on a bye week, the rest of the NFL will play games this weekend too. As long as they play 'em, I'll keep making half baked guesses about what will happen. Here we go!

49ers @ Falcons (-6.5)

I'm not saying that the Niners have tuned out Mike Singletary, but I am saying that during team meetings things that players are doing instead of listening include, but are not limited to, doodling, listening to an iPod, Sudoku, the dot game and folding paper into those things people made in middle school where you write numbers on the top, then colors on the inside, and eventually you open up a fortune of some sort. You know what I'm talking about.

Prediction: Falcons 24 - Niners - 14

Jets (-5.5) @ Bills

Ryan Fitzpatrick versus the Jets defense. Yeah, OK. Not gonna happen, Buffalo. Well done with the wings, though. You'll always have the wings.

Prediction: Jets 20 - Bills 6

Bonus Prediction: Rex Ryan will have a distinct orange hue to the skin on his fingers and around his mouth.

Lions @ Packers (-14.5)

I saw "The Social Network" tonight. Excellent movie. You've gotta check it out. What does that have to do with the Lions-Packers game? Absolutely nothing.

Prediction: Packers 27 - Lions 14

Bonus Prediction: I will avoid any program on which Chris Berman is calling highlights of this game because he will insist on referring to it as an "NFC Norris Division" matchup and that's annoying. Chris Berman is stupid.

Broncos @ Titans (-6.5)

You know how often times before the game, the two teams' starting quarterbacks hang around and chat each other up briefly? What do you suppose that's like when Kyle Orton and Vince Young get together?

Prediction: Titans 21 - Broncos 20

Seahawks (-.5) @ Rams

Kenneth Darby!!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease! That is all.

Prediction: Seahawks 20 - Rams 10

Bonus Prediction: The number of Seahawks shirts I see around my office will increase significantly this week.

Panthers @ Saints (-13.5)

The Panthers are not good. Jimmy Clausen is especially not good. The Saints are the defending Super Bowl champs. The Superdome is one of the most intimidating stadiums in the NFL. These are the facts and they are indisputable.

Prediction: Saints 35 - Panthers 10

Ravens @ Steelers (-1.5)

How are the Ravens supposed to concentrate on anything with all those gosh darned towels waving about? That could pose a problem, but not as big a problem as the fact that the Steelers are still starting Chaz Batch. The Ravens have to win so I can avoid shaking my fist and saying, "Goooooo!! Damn you, Steelers!"

Prediction: Ravens 13 - Steelers 9

Colts (-8) @ Jaguars

Let's try to think of worse ideas than David Garrard's contract extension, shall we? I was going to say there are none until I saw the US Ryder Cup Team's lavender button down cardigans just now. Those are definitely a worse idea, but that's about it.

Prediction: Colts 27 - Jags 13

Texans (-3.5) @ Raiders

Did you all know that my oldest brother is a Texans fan? And that he became one because of David Carr? I just think that's funny.

Prediction: Texans 17 - Raiders 14

Cardinals @ Chargers (-8.5)

It's hard to believe that the Cardinals are just two seasons removed from a trip to the Super Bowl. They are not even a little bit good now. I'm not exactly sold on San Diego, but I'm pretty sure they'll play well at home and are just about to hit that annual stretch when they stop being crappy.

Prediction: Chargers 24 - Cardinals 13

Bonus Prediction: Larry Fitzgerald, so fed up with Derek Anderson's errant throws, will escape through the floor of the locker room shower at half time and never play another game for the Cardinals. If that one comes true, please remember you heard it here first during the ensuing media frenzy.

Redskins @ Eagles (-6.5)

Did you know that Donovan McNabb used to play for the Eagles and now he plays for the Redskins and this his first game back in Philadelphia? You might catch wind of this storyline. Mike Vick will prove that the Eagles made the right choice, even if they made that choice because of Kevin Kolb.

Prediction: Eagles 20 - Redskins 14

Bears @ Giants (-3.5)

I said last week that the Giants are not good and they did nothing to prove otherwise. When the Giants play on the road, the home team should start giving gifts to Tom Coughlin like baseball teams did for Bobby Cox this season. Coach Coughlin, this season is your farewell tour.

Prediction: Bears 24 - Giants 20

Patriots (-.5) @ Dolphins

I am exremely confident that the Patriots will not win by half a point. Beyond that, I'm not sure. The consensus seems to be that the Dolphins are good, but I'm not so sure. The Patriots offense definitely looks to be rolling, but their defense might be legitimately terrible (except week 1 against the Bengals. That was an excellent defense; not sure what happened since then). I'll have to figure this out completely illogically...I've got it. The Dolphins are referred to as the 'Fins (or 'Phins I guess). Finn from Glee is the worst football player in the history of football players. Sorry, 'Phins.

Prediction: Patriots 27 - Dolphins 24

That is all. Enjoy the weekend, everybody!

Weekend Forecast - 9/24/10

Welcome to a new feature on My Teams Stink. This will be a good chance for me to post the latest thoughts on My Stinky Teams on a weekly basis and try my hand at a little prognostication. My first bold prediction is that having my projections in writing will prove that I don’t know nearly as much about sports as I think I do. In my defense, sports are unpredictable and I have many other interests in my life. Like other TV shows. And sleeping.

First, a look at my teams:

The Mets (@Phillies)

Whoa! They’re still playing?! When the Mets are out of contention, I usually stop following closely around the time that football season starts. For one thing, it’s depressing to constantly check the scores when they lose most of the time. Also, it’s hard to get too excited about a win that doesn’t mean anything whatsoever. From what I gather, the lineup is currently comprised mostly of guys that were called up from the minors. I guess this is good for the future. On the bright side, they’re playing the Phillies. That always goes well in September.

Prediction: Phils close out a sweep on Sunday. Moving on.

Tottenham Hotspur (@West Ham United)

Wait…what?! That’s right, folks. There is a new addition to the My Teams Stink family. For those unfamiliar, Tottenham Hotspur is a soccer team in the Barclay’s English Premier League (I think I have to say Barclay’s or men in suits will show up and hurt me). After a painstaking process to choose which team I would support, the boys from White Hart Lane came out on top. Welcome aboard, Spurs! I hope that I haven’t thrown a massive jinx on you. I was a bit worried that my presence as a fan was already causing the team to struggle, but things have been looking up lately, a loss in the Carling Cup to hated Arsenal notwithstanding. As for this weekend, Spurs are traveling across London to face last place West Ham United. The Hammers have mustered only 1 point thus far this year, so a loss would be disappointing. That said, I’m learning to be satisfied with ties on the road. The American in me says ties are stupid so I’ll settle for nothing less than a victory. Look for my boy Tom Huddlestone (oh yeah, they have a guy named Tom Freaking Huddlestone on their team!!) to net his first goal of the year.

Prediction: Spurs win 2-0.

Bonus prediction: my buddy Korey will insist on calling them “the Spurs” and I’ll insist it’s really cool to just call them “Spurs”.

Washington State Football (H – USC)

If you read my season preview, you’d already know that I am terrible at predicting the future. Just after I said that the days of WSU football being a laughingstock were over, the apparently not-so-mighty Cougs got their heads kicked in 65-17 by Oklahoma State. Ouch. Up next came a nail biting victory against FCS Montana State and a loss to SMU, the only team that WSU beat last year. At first glance, it seems that the tales of offseason improvement were greatly exaggerated. That said, this team really does look better. It's extremely difficult to make that case, but they make significantly more plays than they have the last couple years. Unfortunately, they also screw up a lot, which makes winning extremely challenging. Meanwhile, USC is looking more vulnerable than they have in years, struggling to a certain degree in all three games so far. If ever there were a time that this team could be had for an upset, this is the year. Am I predicting WSU will pull off such an upset? Heck no! I’m a homer, but I’m not insane. Prediction: Pain. Oops. I went a little Clubber Lang there.

Prediction: USC 48 – WSU 27.

Bonus Prediction: I will punch the arm of my couch upwards of 6 times.

Extra Bonus Prediction: The following tune will be stuck in my head from 12:10 PST on come Saturday: “Duhhhh-da-da-da-da-da-da-duhhhhhhhhh”…. Stupid USC.

Cincinnati Bengals (@Carolina Panthers)

Was I worried that the 2010 Bengals season would be a disaster following the dismantling by the Patriots on opening day? Yes. Yes I was. The YOOOOOOJ win over Baltimore last week combined with what seems to be a soft schedule going into the bye week have changed that mindset. When it comes to the Bengals, though, I’m always a worrier. They have a tendency to be somewhat Schizophrenic and lose when it’s least expected. Kinda like they did against the Raiders last year. On the bright side, they get to face America’s least favorite quarterback, Jimmy Clausen in his first career start. This is the type of game the Bengals need to win convincingly if they aspire to be among the league's elite.

Prediction: Bengals: 23 - Panthers: 10

On the off chance that you're tired of hearing about the same teams over and over (and over) again, here are my NFL picks for the week:

49ers (-2.5) @ Chiefs

I assume Niner fans were looking forward to this one on the schedule when it came out. Then again, they were probably looking forward to starting the season with the Seahawks. I think this game will play out more like people would have guessed in the preseason. It's time for the Chiefs to come back down to Earth a bit.

Prediction: Niners 21 Chiefs 17

Browns @ Ravens (-10.5)

Seneca Wallace against an angry Ravens defense. Yikes. Maybe the Browns shouldn't have ditched the brown pants this year, for Seneca's sake.

Prediction: Ravens 31 - Browns 7

Cowboys @ Texans (-2.5)

Ummmm...hmmmmmm....uhhhhhhhhhh.....I dunno. The Cowboys can't really go 0-3, can they? Or maybe they're really just not very good. They absolutely have to win and figure to play like it, but Houston absolutely won't take this one lightly. This one figures to be close. If it is, the Cowboys are screwed. Their kicker, David Buehler makes Fulton Reed look like William Tell. While you Google that reference, I'll come up with a pick.

Prediction: Texans 24 - Cowboys 21

Bonus Prediction: Buehler will severely injure a cotton candy vendor while shanking a game-winning field goal attempt well wide.

Lions @ Vikings (-10.5)

I am giddy at the idea of Brett Favre falling on his face this year. After all the drama, a forced midyear retirement would be a suitable end. Unfortunately, disaster won't strike just yet with Shaun Hill starting on the other side.

Prediction: Vikings 24 Lions 17

Bills @ Patriots (-13.5)

The Bills should devote more time this season to scouting college players than watching NFL film. They're awful.

Prediction: Pats 38 Bills 10

Falcons @ Saints (-4.5)

I can't decide, but I do know that those Real Housewives shows bug me and one of them was in Atlanta so I'm taking the Saints.

Prediction: Saints 28 Falcons 24

Titans @ Giants (-3.5)

Chris Johnson versus The Icebox. It doesn't get any better than that. Hang on....I'm told the Titans are actually playing the Big Giants. I don't think they're any good. They're certainly no Little Giants.

Prediction: Titans 20 Giants 14

(insert your favorite curse word) Steelers (-2.5) @ Buccaneers

Fantastic. Troy Polamalu is back, the Steelers defense is dominant and they are undefeated without Creepy Ben. Ugh. I can't talk about it anymore.

Prediction: Steelers 3 - Bucs 0

Eagles (-2.5) @ Jaguars

Mike Vick is back doing Mike Vick things and quite frankly it's exciting. Sure, he's pretty awful at being a human being, but man he's fast! As for the Jaguarssssssssssssssssssfdfddddsa. Sorry, the Jaguars mike me sleepy. I was face down on the keyboard there for a sec.

Prediction: Eagles 28 Jags 20

Redskins (-3.5) @ Rams

I've decided the Rams need to change their jerseys. I automatically associate with them with ineptitude. Even if Sam Bradford is good, he'll look bad to me because of the jerseys. Is that a credibility issue for me?

Prediction: Redskins 20 Rams 10

Colts (-6.5) @ Broncos

In the battle of horses, you'd think that a wild untrained horse would have no problem handling a male horse under the age of four. In the football battle, Peyton Manning will have no problem handling Kyle Orton. I will say, though, that Orton is extremely underrated. That Manning guy is just really really good.

Prediction: Colts 31 Broncos 24

Raiders @ Cardinals (-4.5)

Among things you will never ever hear in your life, "Can't wait for that Bruce Gradkowski-Derek Anderson" showdown ranks pretty high.

Prediction: Incompletions. Lots and lots of incompletions. And Raiders 20 Cardinals 17. Why the hell not?

Chargers (-5.5) @ Seahawks

I really like the way that Pete Carroll has the Seahawks playing right now. As long as Matt Hasselbeck doesn't poop the bed like he did last week, they should be plenty competitive. The Qwest Field crowd can be tough on the most poised quarterbacks. For someone completely insane like Phil Rivers, it could be a long day. I think this game will be a good one. I think they Chargers talent will pull it out, but it should be close.

Prediction: Chargers 21 - Seahawks 20

Jets @ Dolphins (-1.5)

I wish the Jets could get a little more exposure. I feel like I've hardly seen them play this year.

Prediction: Jets 13 - Dolphins 9

Packers (-3.5) @ Bears

Can Jay Cutler please go back to the sulky whiner that looks really annoyed all the time? I hate that Jay Cutler, but I like him because I like hating him. You know what I'm sayin? Monday Night Football seems like the perfect time for him to throw a few picks and look real doofy.

Prediction: Packers 27 - Bears 17

Bonus Prediction: I will get zero of these picks exactly right.

Extra Bonus Prediction: My record straight up will be mediocre and my record against the spread will be awful.

Mega Bonus Prediction: I may never pick every NFL game in a week again. It's hard. We'll see where these weekly forecasts go.

Every Team Starts Undefeated

Hope is defined as the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. For me, hope is represented by the opening of fall camp for the Washington State football team. Over the course of 29 practices every August, I slowly convince myself that things are looking up, that this is the year. This fall, my hopes for Cougar Football Saturdays are high, but not in a typical way. I hope that this is the year that the laughingstock label is shed. As I’ve mentioned, the last two years were abysmal ones for my alma mater’s intercollegiate football team. To go into this year with hope of a Pac 10 championship would be completely unreasonable. That is not to say I do not want a Pac 10 championship. It’s just that I don’t have a feeling that it can be had. Not this year. Hopes that high need to be tempered a little while longer. I’ll reserve such visions of grandeur for the biggest dreamers in the Cougar nation. What I want for the 2010 season is to see some signs that the Cougs are ready to compete with the rest of the conference. I want to see that the days of 70-0 losses are now over. I want to see that Coach Paul Wulff’s insistence that the program is moving in the right direction is not just the rhetoric of a man trying to make fans feel better. I want to see the young talent that has been quietly accumulating come of age. I believe that the things that I want can be had. By definition, I am hopeful.

Of course, I have concerns that my belief is misplaced. Every football expert, fan or anyone else who is not a Washington State employee or fan seems to be in agreement that 2010 will be a repeat of the last two seasons and bring the Paul Wulff era to an ignominious end. I’ve had my hopes up before, only to realize that reading 29 consecutive practice reports written by people whose purpose is to get Cougar fans excited can be misleading. I fancy myself a pragmatist and think I can look at the team pretty rationally and decide whether or not they are going to be any good. Going into last season, I couldn’t convince myself that things were going to be anything but bleak. This year feels different. There is a palpable optimism surrounding the team that feels legitimate. The hard part is convincing anyone who does not closely follow the Cougs to believe it. That’s where I come in. I’ve got 9 reasons why the days of the Washington State football team being a punchline are over. Why 9? I have no idea.

1. The riff-raff is gone. Following the best stretch in WSU’s history from 2001-2003, the coaching staff in place at the time started setting their recruiting heights a little higher. By som accounts, certain members of the staff stopped recruiting altogether. Unfortunately, three straight 10 win seasons does not mean that elite recruits suddenly want to come to your school. The Cougs couldn’t land the best prospects and eschewed their successful “Diamond in the Rough” philosophy for talented kids with character red flags. As kids with character red flags are wont to do, a number of them ran afoul of the law or failed to stay academically eligible. The washout rates for the classes following the 2003 season were staggering. Players that should have been the backbone of the ’08 and ’09 seasons were long gone, leaving the fate of the program to a bunch of youngsters who had no business being in that position. Coach Wulff has seemingly cleaned things up and is building the program around a foundation of good young leaders who want to spearhead a turnaround.

2. Depth is starting to build. By the end of the 2009 season, there were barely enough scholarship players available to field a defense. From my seat in Husky Stadium at the Apple Cup, it looked like we brought a third the number of players that the Huskies had. Surely the temptation was there to burn the redshirts of several freshmen, but the season was a lost cause from the start so the prudent move was to wait. While I’ve never been accused of being the biggest Paul Wulff supporter, I do give him credit for his fanatical persistence in trying to build a program for the long term. It will start to pay off this season.

3. Brandon Rankin. I already love this guy. A lot. Mr. Rankin recently changed his jersey number to 5. One of my favorite Wazzu athletes of all time, Mike Bush, wore number 5. Guess who just got a number 5 jersey. I’ll give you a hint. He has two thumbs and writes a blog. That’s right, this guy!

4. There is no way the injuries can pile up again like they did last year (knock on wood). It seemed as though anytime someone showed that they were a bona fide Pac 10 caliber player, they were lost to a major injury. LeAndre Daniels and Daniel Simmons both looked terrific at times last year. Both broke their legs. James Montgomery rushed for over 100 yards in a game and nearly had his leg amputated just over a week later (seriously). Quarterback Jeff Tuel had to be shut down not long after throwing for 354 yards against Cal. All are back and expected to contribute significantly this season. Update: LeAndre Daniels suffered a career ending neck injury during camp. That really does not bode well for prediction number 4. Let’s move on before I jinx things further.

5. Bill Moos. WSU’s new athletic director was at the helm when, much to my dad’s delight and my chagrin, Oregon turned into a perennial football powerhouse. He knows exactly what it takes to run a successful program and more importantly, being a WSU alumnus, he knows exactly what it takes to succeed in Pullman. He won’t have the benefit of being bankrolled by Phil Knight anymore, but I’m still confident that Cougar athletics are in more than capable hands.

6. Tuel Time! There is no doubt that the 2010 Cougs are Jeff Tuel’s team. An offseason as “The Guy” combined with the experience from last year should help. If last year’s Cal and USC games are any indication, Tuel has all the tools necessary to be a competent Pac-10 quarterback. Also, he’s just a sophomore. By the time he’s a senior, he figures to have 20-plus starts under his belt. Watch out for WSU in 2012!

7. “Roses”. In a story about offseason workouts, it came to light that the team was ending every session with a breakdown in which they shouted “Roses” in unison. I love this. Obviously, the Rose Bowl is not in the cards this year, but a group of second year players (Tuel, Nolan Washington and Gino Simone in particular) have taken leadership roles and made it their mission to make a New Year’s trip during their time in Pullman.

8. Larry Scott, Pac 10(12) Commissioner. The new commish has taken over and basically taken everything that the outgoing Tom Hansen had done (or more appropriately not done) and turned it on its ear. The goal is to generate as much revenue as possible for the conference and its members. The fact that all the other teams in the conference are also going to have more revenue would seemingly negate any advantage that Wazzu would derive newfound spending money. However, an increase from a roughly $20 million budget to a $50 million is far more significant than increasing from $80 to $100 million. This makes sense, I’m almost sure of it.

9. I’ve seen this story before and I know how it ends. The 1998 and ’99 football seasons were awful – not quite an ’08-’09 level of awful, but still awful. They came on the heels of a very successful era of Cougar football and raised concerns that the Cougs would drop right off the relevance map. In 2000, though, a young Cougar team led by a promising QB started turning a corner. The win-loss record didn’t reflect it yet, but games were much more competitive and there was suddenly an optimism surrounding the program. Over the next three seasons, the Cougs won 10 games each year, including a Rose Bowl trip and a bowl win over Texas. I’m not saying the current bunch will reach such lofty heights, but my gut feeling is that the 2010 season will have a strong resemblance to the 2000 one. It may or may not not translate to wins this year, but the Washington State football team won’t get kicked around anymore. I hope.

Go Cougs!

TEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

My reaction to the Bengals’ signing of Terrell Owens is somewhat delayed, but it’s with good reason. It’s taken me this long to decide whether I consider this to be good news or bad news. In case the title of this post wasn’t enough of an indication, I’ve decided that I like the fact that the Cincinnati Bengals signed Terrell Owens to a one year contract. Since reports first surfaced that the Bengals were interested, I’ve been conflicted about whether or not I wanted to see this deal happen. That process has continued since the deal became official. The cons are obvious so let's start there.

Bringing in someone with a reputation like TO’s certainly does nothing to dispel the notion that The Queen City is the NFL’s home for wayward miscreants. Signing Pacman Jones and Terrell Owens in the same offseason is in blatant disregard to the idea that character matters when putting together a football team. Throw in the fact that there are now two notorious-diva-wide-receivers-with-reality-shows (hyphenated just in case it becomes a trend that warrants the creation of a new position; kinda like flanker) on the roster and the 2010 Bengals have the makings of a pretty combustible locker room. Anytime people send you condolences or ask things like, “Are they going to sign Ray-J next” (Well played, Sean), there is concern over the quality of the acquisition. Oh yeah, there’s also the fact that the dude is 36 years old, has declining statistics and may no longer be a legitimate NFL receiver. These are all valid points and unfortunately I wouldn’t be too terribly surprised if any were self-fulfilling prophecies.

All of that said I respectfully disagree. I have no choice, really. The preseason is a time for optimism so I have to convince myself that signing TO makes my team a real contender. In this case, though, I really do believe it. Seriously. I think.

The Bengals have been quietly compiling a track record of reclamation projects that are actually working out (see Benson, Cedric and Johnson, Tank). In fact, a cogent argument can actually be made that signings of that nature are a legitimate strategy. Players with checkered pasts come at a bargain price and are often in last chance mode. The benefits to teams who sign them are twofold. The first benefit (bargain price) is obvious. The less you have to pay for someone the better, especially if that someone rewards you with production. The second benefit (last chance mode) is more likely to be underestimated, but is equally important. As it pertains to T.O., his season in Buffalo went off without incident because he simply has no room for error. He seems to have figured out that the antics that made him expendable in San Francisco, Philadelphia and Dallas will now mean the end of his NFL career if repeated. This works hand in hand with the inexpensive contract. Teams will have no qualms about cutting ties with a guy on a one year, $2 million dollar deal. If T.O. does something to get himself run out of Cincy, it seems pretty clear that nobody else will give him another chance. Hopefully having to wait until the day before training camp to get signed sent a message to T.O. that NFL teams aren’t exactly clamoring for his services.

As to the argument that he is past his prime, I will counter with two words: Buffalo Bills. The chances of anyone putting up big numbers in the Bills offense last year were remote. The chances of anyone putting up numbers with Ryan Fitzpatrick throwing to him are zilch. Let me throw some stats at you. In 2007, with Carson Palmer playing QB, Chad Ochocinco caught 93 passes for 1,440 yards. In 2008, with Ryan Fitzpatrick starting a bulk of the games, Senor Ochocinco caught 53 balls for 540 yards. In 2009, with Carson back at the helm, Chad bounced back to catch to catch 72 passes for 1047 yards. Long story short: Ryan Fitzpatrick is terrible. To judge T.O.'s ability based on last year's numbers will not paint an accurate picture.

So there you have it, folks. In a mere 700+ words, I convinced myself to be happy that my favorite team signed a new wide receiver. I'm glad that's settled. I can now go back to thinking about other important things, like which English Premier League team will be my new favorite. I was told in English class that what I just did is called foreshadowing. Until next time...

My popcorn is ready Mr. O. Who Dey.

Not So Quick Hits: July 21, 2010

I’m back from my mini vacation and some busy times, feeling invigorated and ready to get my blog on. I’m committing myself to take this thing more seriously -- not from a content standpoint, but from a frequency (and hopefully quality) standpoint. At present, I have delusions of doing this as more than a hobby, so it’s time to buckle down and write. Incidentally, if anyone who reads this is related to someone with connections that could fulfill my dream of professionally writing about my take on sports, please pass along my blogfolio to them. What’s that? The people who read this are only related to me? Turds. Also, I welcome as much feedback as possible. Even if it’s feedback like, “Nobody will ever pay you to write. Ever.”

Unfortunately, the month of July is a bit of a quiet time here at My Teams Stink, and in sports in general. Since there is nothing going on right now about which I can compose a long form entry (translation: I can’t think of anything), I’m going to go with some quick hits on the goings-on of the past few weeks. Since I am long winded, the quick hits probably won’t be all that quick. I’m a tangent enthusiast.

First, let’s check in with the teams that inspire me to spend upwards of several minutes crafting this blog for my 4-6 fans.

Mets (Los Mets when playing in Puerto Rico)

My hope for this season ending in the playoffs is quickly dwindling. The Metropolitans have lost 9 out of their last 12 games and are drifting slowly away from striking distance of the Braves. On the bright side, I hate the Braves again. It’s so last decade. Carlos Beltran’s return to the lineup has done little to help matters. The trend lately has been that when the pitchers pitch well, the hitters don’t hit and if the hitters hit, the pitchers get hit harder. I’m no baseball expert, but I’d recommend a different approach if they want to get back in the hunt.

Bengals and Cougs

Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy. Fall camps are about to open. It’s almost football season! Can you tell I’m excited? Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy.

My hopes for both the Bengals and WSU football seasons on my newly invented My Teams Stink Hope-O-Meter (or MTSHOM) are currently “high apple pie in the sky hopes”. That is the highest level on the MTSHOM, with the lowest being “They’re s***ty”, an homage to the Asian grounds crew from “Major League”.

Super Bowl and Rose Bowl or bust! Man, I love this time of year.

The Wiz

I heart John Wall. Summer League or not, dude was awesome. So awesome, in fact, that I’m doing the John Wall dance right now. You can’t see it, but I’m typing this section with only my left hand while doing the John Wall fist twisty thing with my right. Also, Javale McGee got invited to the Team USA camp to possibly play in the World Championships! And it wasn’t even a paperwork error or anything! They really wanted him to be there based on recent performance. You go, Javale. Make America proud, buddy.

The Caps

I’m told NHL Free Agency is happening. It’s kinda like NBA free agency, but without hour long specials, or even minute long specials. There should have been one when Jeff Schultz re-signed with the Caps, but apparently not enough people care. I care and the Schultz family cares, so there. Speaking of hour long specials…

“The Decision”

Dislclaimer: Apparently you can’t be a sportswriter (or even a wannabe sportswriter like some people…OK, like me) if you don’t weigh in on this thing so here we go.

If you are to believe ESPN, clearly the biggest news in the last month, and apparently ever, is that LeBron James is “taking his talents to South Beach and joining the Miami Heat”. Since the Heat don’t play on South Beach, this has to secretly be two separate statements. LeBron James is taking his talents to South Beach. Also, LeBron James is going to play for the Miami Heat. Everybody seemed extremely fixated on the latter. I find myself far more curious about the former. Which talents will LeBron be taking to South Beach?! Is he a dynamite cribbage player? A street performer of some sort? Maybe he can do that thing where people spin a bunch of plates on sticks? Or maybe his talent is just going to be showing off his freakishly large jaw. Am I the only one who was totally distracted during the interview because it looked like LeBron had an elephant mandible stuffed into the bottom of his face? I hope he and Jim Gray do “The Decision Part II – Lebron’s Got Talent” pretty soon so this mystery can be solved.

As for the real story, there really isn’t much I can say that hasn’t already been said. I have no problem with LeBron leaving Cleveland for another team. The supporting cast of the Cavs that had surrounded LeBron was like the new girls that got stuck in the dorm with Zack, Slater and Screech on Saved by the Bell: The College Years before they panicked and brought back Kelly Kapowski. You don’t surround singular greatness with mediocrity and expect results. LeBron, like Zack Morris, represents singular greatness. Anderson Varejao, like Leslie Burke, represents mediocrity. At least Zack didn’t have to put up with that crap for seven years.

The problem was the entire extravaganza/debacle that was the “Decision” and the Heat pep rally the next day. Unless LeBron, Wade and Chris Bosh are intentionally positioning themselves as villains, they either have no grasp on how people perceive athletes or they simply don’t care. The fans in Cleveland and Toronto were already upset that their best players were leaving. There is no need to further antagonize them by parading yourselves around and behaving like pompous b-holes. To disregard the passion of sports fans, which is what makes you so popular in the first place, is at the very least incredibly naïve. If it’s not naiveté, then it’s just mean. Zack Morris never would have done something like that. He would have married Carlos Boozer in Vegas and lived happily ever after. Or something like that.

Major League Reference #2

Last but not least, there is sad news to pass along. For those that haven’t already heard, James Gammon passed away on Friday. James Gammon played Cleveland Indians manager Lou Brown in one of the greatest movies of all time, “Major League”. My buddies and I have quoted Lou Brown more than any fake manager in the history of baseball by an incredibly wide margin. James will be missed, but his legacy will live on. I’m sure James is up in heaven now telling some pitcher to forget about the curveball and give him the heater.

The Beautiful Game

Being born in Germany has several benefits, such as always having a marginally interesting conversation starter about being born in Germany, excellent and unique childhood experiences, and of course, Wonderful Wednesday[1]. My time in Germany also taught me an extremely important lesson: Soccer (AKA, football, futbol, the beautiful game, etc.) is an unbelievably great sport. Clearly there are plenty of other soccer fans in the US and surely they weren’t all born in Germany so they must have their own stories of how they became interested in soccer and I imagine they have figured out their own marginally interesting conversation starters. For me, I believe it was my childhood in Germany that forced soccer into my consciousness.

I’ve always understood to a certain extent that being an avid soccer enthusiast rendered me somewhat of an outlier in the US. For the most part, though, I’ve consistently found myself in communities where soccer is somewhere between fairly popular and pretty popular. As such, I rarely found myself in the infamous “soccer in America” debate. I know that I played and I know that my high school team was freakishly good (and not just at winning state titles, but also at staging the greatest half time show in the history of sport). This didn’t mean that I was unaware of soccer’s general perception in the US. It mostly meant that I didn’t care because I could still follow it and play it as much as I wanted to. It’s not until soccer becomes part of the zeitgeist that I find myself running to the sport’s defense. Never does soccer become part of the zeitgeist except every four years when a fun little event called the World Cup is held.

I have distinct memories associated with every World Cup dating back to Italia ’90 when West Germany won. For those of you scoring at home, I was living in West Germany at the time. Believe it or not, this was a big deal to West Germans (and probably some East Germans, but they were quite mysterious and lived behind a wall). Much to the world’s chagrin, the good ol’ US of A hosted the World Cup in 1994. Hosting combined with a surprising run of success got everyone to care about soccer briefly. During France ’98, I happened to be studying French so I felt strangely connected to the champions of that year’s edition of the Coupe du Monde (yeah, yeah, I like France and French people. Whatever.) In 2002, the Cup Finals were held in South Korea and Japan, which meant watching the Yanks’ surprising run the Quarterfinals at extremely odd hours. The last World Cup never happened. OK, it happened, but the US Men’s National Team decided to all travel to Germany and poop the bed together so I’d just as soon forget.

World Cup 2010: South Africa feels completely different than any I can recall. There are varying degrees of events reaching the national consciousness. If you put them on a scale of 1-10, 10 would be “White Bronco” and 1 would be “Donald Trump’s Hair”. Historically, the World Cup fell somewhere around a negative 3 in America. Even before this year’s World Cup started, it seemed that soccer might really register on the national radar. The coverage during the run-up to the Cup was unlike any that I recall. Granted, this had a lot to do with shameless self promotion on ESPN’s part, but I didn’t figure they would go to such lengths if there was an inkling that nobody was going to give a crap. There were other signs pointing toward an increase in soccer’s overall popularity (look up Seattle Sounders attendance figures), but it was hard to tell if I was just seeing those signs because I like soccer and wanted the signs to be there. A draw that led to a USA-England match certainly didn’t hurt the Q rating, but still the Yanks needed to perform for this thing to really take off. An epic goalkeeping blunder, a miracle comeback, a horrific officiating decision and a last minute Cup saving goal later, suddenly 78 percent of Americans have an opinion on vuvuzelas[2] .

The downside of major soccer events is the influx of soccer haters coming out of the woodwork. Even the haters this year seem to be coming from a place of, “I don’t like the diving and ties, but hey this thing seems like a big deal so I’m going to give it a whirl”. I’m not of the belief that there is a need for soccer fans to convince non soccer fans that it really is the beautiful game. Similarly, I don’t think it’s necessary for non soccer fans to point out why it’s stupid. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but I hope the opinions are at least informed. To the person who thinks it’s boring because there aren’t enough goals, I hope you don’t defend baseball (and I hope you watched USA: 1 – Algeria: 0; if that was boring to you, then I can’t help you). To the person who thinks yellow cards are silly, I hope you say the same about the yellow flags in American football. It is easier to be comfortable with the silly things about “our sports” because, well, they’re our sports, damn it. To learn something new takesin time and sometimes it takes seminal moments. The US team and the diehards packing bars in US cities (like The Copper Hog in Bellingham, WA!) are doing their part to make the 2010 World Cup soccer’s seminal moment in this country. It may stick for good and it may go back to being a niche sport for liberal weirdos. Regardless, the world is watching. If you love soccer like me, enjoy the ride. If you’re new to soccer with this World Cup, I hope you stick around after it. If you’ve always hated soccer, and will continue to after this, well that’s OK too. I hope you at least gave it a shot at some point.

More to come tomorrow after (and maybe during) USA-Ghana. It may or may not involve crying. The World Cup has made me strangely emotional. Until then…

Let’s gooooooo USA!! Make us proud, boys.




[1] During the winter months, the lucky students at the Department of Defense school in Garmish-Partenkirchen, Germany had half days at school, with the afternoon spent skiing. Wonderful indeed. Especially when your mom is nice enough to always make sure that Wonderful Wednesdays were accompanied by the gold packs of gummi bears.

[2] I made that figure up. You thought this footnote would be a vuvuzela definition, huh? Why would I need to do that if 78 percent of Americans already have an opinion on them? Then again, I did make the figure up. They’re the horn thingies.

The History of My Team Stinks Part IV: Washington State University

Recently, the Washington State baseball season came to its predictable early conclusion after they were eliminated from the regional round of the College World Series. By “recently”, I mean on June 7. I was trying to cover up that this post isn’t exactly timely, but we’re all about transparency here at My Team Stinks. You can blame my editor for the delay. (Editor’s note: the editor’s name is Tim; again with the transparency.) I digress.

I refer to the postseason exit of Cougar baseball as predictable not because of anything this year’s team did. To the contrary in fact, this year’s team seemed to be quite a scrappy bunch that seemed capable of some pretty big things. Their failure was predictable because they are the Washington State University baseball team. For those who are not familiar with the history, my beloved Wazzu[1] is not exactly associated with athletic greatness. Even the once a decade occasions, when things do go well, are typically short lived. Not that it matters much for those of you loyal readers on the East Coast. True Story: during my senior year, the mighty Jason Gesser led Cougar football team was ranked third in the country deep into the season. This did not prevent one of my buddies back home from asking my how our football team was doing. How’s that for an east coast bias? A number three ranking won’t even get you noticed.
Speaking of the Jason Gesser led Cougar football teams, that particular era serves as a perfect representation of success on the Palouse[2]. The Cougs during Gesser’s Junior year completed an out of nowhere 10 win season with a win over the Kyle Orton led Purdue Boilermakers in the Sun Bowl. I really wish it had been the Drew Brees led Purdue Boilermakers to make it sound more impressive, but whatever. More critical in the statement is that the success could be described as out of nowhere. Virtually any time the Cougs field a highly successful team in anything, the success comes from out of nowhere. This does not speak to Washington State athletes being unusually sneaky, although such a reputation would be awesome. The fact that success is a surprise speaks to a decades-long history of futility. Washington State is like many of the great dynasties of American sports, except the exact opposite.

All of that said, the Sun Bowl success led to a rare instance that the Cougs went into a season with high expectations. Much to my delight, the expectations were actually met. Following an early season loss to THE Ohio State University, Gesser and the boys went on an unbelievable run to a Pac 10 Championship, including a huge win over USC (before they cheated). I had the fortune of being a student during this season and that USC win is probably the most exciting sporting event I’ve been to in person. I say “probably” because my memory stinks too. This season also featured one of the worst sporting events I’ve attended in person: the 2002 Apple Cup . Any event that leads to my mom crying over a Baileys and hot chocolate is not a good event. Fortunately, this brutal loss was not enough to keep the Cougs from a trip to the Rose Bowl. It was really the thought of my family’s planned attendance at said Rose Bowl having to be cancelled that had mom so upset, not the loss, but still. Bad times nonetheless. I distinctly remember two things about going to the Rose Bowl: finding out just what the hell a Sooner is and the Cougs getting the ever loving crap beaten out of them by a bunch of apparently angry Sooners. You see, even the finest of Wazzu achievements are sullied by failure. (Think Ryan Leaf).

The following season was another successful campaign that ended in a shocking upset of Texas in the Holiday Bowl. It appeared that Washington State football had somehow managed to stop stinking. Cut to the present. The Cougar Football team’s record over the last two seasons: 3 wins, 22 losses. Over the course of those 25 games, the Cougs have been outscored 1109-309. That works out to an average of losing 44-12 every single week for two straight seasons. To say Cougar football stinks is underselling it. Cougar football in its current form is an absolute abomination. That is, until we shock the world this year. Hey-ooooooooo! I should also mention that hope springs eternal on the Palouse. One can't really be a Coug fan without delusions of grandeur.

Similar stories could be detailed about the basketball team over the last five years and about the baseball team and even about women’s soccer. In short, every one of the athletic programs at Washington State University stinks (unless you count the women’s crew team. Sorry, women’s crew team. Nobody counts the crew team. If I could do something about this oversight, I would). When Cougar teams don’t stink, they are basically Charlie Conway in “The Mighty Ducks” before Coach Bombay taught him how to fly (i.e. “it’s Spazway, he’ll screw up). Prosperity is very likely to be met with disappointment. Such a track record is what gives rise to sayings like, “Win or lose, we drink more booze” and t-shirts that say, “Our drinking team has a football problem”. To wear the futility as a badge of honor surely doesn’t do anything to help matters, but it is kinda fun and certainly easier to write snarky things about.

Washington State has produced many distinguished alumni over the years in all walks of life: broadcasters, cartoonists, project coordinators and even athletes. It is a place that I love dearly and I am forever grateful for the time I spent there. Unfortunately, when all is said and done, being a Wazzu alum and an irrational sports fan is an extremely ill-fated combination.

Go Cougs.

[1] Wazzu is the unofficial nickname of Washington State University. It would make more sense if it were Washington Ztate University and thus WZU, but I love it all the same, just like every other Coug does (V. Lane Rawlins notwithstanding). I won’t footnote a footnote so you’ll have to Google V. Lane Rawlins. Don’t be lazy.

[2] The Palouse is a region encompassing parts of southeastern Washington, north central Idaho and, in some definitions, extending south into northeast Oregon. It is a major agricultural area, primarily producing wheat and legumes. The region is home to two land grant universities, the University of Idaho in Moscow and Washington State University in Pullman. Located just eight miles (13 km) apart, both schools opened in the early 1890s.

Down With Pennsylvania

The NBA Finals kicked off tonight. Because my teams stink and don't do things like get to the Finals, neither participant is a team that I would consider a favorite. Since 2008, though, I have found myself being consistently entertained by the Celtics and in particular Ray Allen. I could watch that guy shoot jumpers all day (in a way that isn’t weird if at all possible). Aside from being highly entertained by Lamar Odom’s candy addiction, there isn’t a lot about the Lakers I like so I’ll be rooting for the Celtics. American Idol notwithstanding, my rooting interests are typically closely associated with losing, so my apologies, Celtics Fans. My support is probably a harbinger of bad things to come for your traveling band of extremely tall Leprechauns. They are all Leprechauns, right?

Since the Wizards aren’t involved in the NBA Finals (shockingly enough), they won’t provide a lot of fodder about which I can keep a running commentary for the next couple weeks, excluding the unnecessarily long unrelated intro paragraph to this entry. Also, I just obtained a Playstation 3 so writing about current events will not be a strength of mine since most of my current events involve playing NHL 10. All these factors mean I will write about whatever I feel like writing about at a certain time. Today, I want to write about Pennsylvania. I do not like Pennsylvania.

Recently, the Mets swept the Philadelphia Phillies in a three game series in which the “Phightin’ Phils” were shut out in all three games. My disproportionate amount of excitement about this turn of events reminded me once again of my hatred for the state of Pennsylvania. Mediocrity, you see, is not the only common thread among my favorite teams. There has also been for years a recurring theme of teams from Pittsburgh and Philadelphia serving the role of nemesis to my sports heroes. This combined with driving across the state and its stupid toll road a couple of times with a little dash of the Amish mixed in are why I hate Pennsylvania. Just kidding, Amish people. You guys are cool. Nice quilts. Now get off the internet.

Aaaaaaanyhew….my first memories of distaste for a Pennsylvania team came from the Pittsburgh Pirates. Anyone under the age of 20 who may be reading this might be shocked to find out that there was a period of time when the Pirates were really good. They had a skinny guy named Bonds who played left field that vaguely resembled the enormous guy named Bonds who later played for the Giants and broke Hank Aaron’s all time home run record*. Bonds’ greatness combined with Doug Drabek’s mullet and Sid Bream’s knee brace to make quite a formidable team. I’ve previously referenced the Mets’ “Worst Team Money Could Buy Era”. This coincided with a time that the Pirates were winning three straight National League East titles and from what I can remember routinely bludgeoning the Mets. Also, the Pirates wear black and gold, which is an ugly and stupid combination. The Pirates have since evolved into one of the most pathetic franchises in the history of sports so my dislike of them has waned, but as they fell off, there were a few other annoying Pennsylvania based teams right there to pick up the slack.

Moving along chronologically on my timeline of Pennsylvania disdain, we come to a time when I grew to hate the Pittsburgh Penguins. I’d never imagined hating the Pittsburgh Penguins since they were such a force on the previously referenced NHLPA ’93, but as soon as I officially became a Caps fan, it became abundantly clear that I had no other choice but to hate them. When it comes to being a sports fan, you can either choose unbridled hatred or begrudging respect when it comes to your favorite teams’ rivals. I always choose unbridled hatred. I can acknowledge that the Penguins have had a number of good teams over the years and that because they have been good, the Caps have often been on the receiving end of painful losses to them. This is all completely rational, but being a sports fan is not about being rational. It’s about rooting like hell for one team and against the other. My love for the Caps is equaled only by my hatred for the Pens. Wins against them are more satisfying and losing to them is more painful. Sadly, I know far more about the latter. To refer to the Caps-Pens rivalry as a rivalry in the first place is a bit of a stretch. That would be like referring to my NERF free throw shooting contests with my brother Mark a rivalry. In reality it’s just one side losing to another over and over again. It would be unnatural to not hate something that caused you so much disappointment (please note: I do not hate my brother. NERF basketball failures were never that disappointing). It hasn’t helped that the Penguins, in my totally unbiased opinion, have been filled with such an annoying cast of characters over the years. From Jaromir Jagr (maybe I just hate mullets?) all the way through to Sidney Crosby, all in their ugly and stupid black and gold jerseys, there are no players on any team that have bothered me more. Sid the Kid will almost assuredly warrant his own blog entry at some point. It was disappointing to say the least when the Caps were bounced unceremoniously from the playoffs this year, but in a way it was a relief that the Capitals-Penguins playoff rematch never materialized. Series between the two take years off my life.

If there is a silver lining that comes from your favorite team sucking for an entire decade, it’s that it limits the amount of hate in your heart for the other teams. There was no dirty deed in beating the Bengals for most of my life since everyone did it. It would be weird if there was a team around for which the Bengals weren’t personal whipping boys. I was too busy hating the people responsible for my own team’s putrid play to concern myself with hating a rival. That all changed in 2005. The stars somehow aligned that year and allowed the Bengals to actually be good. The Steelers had established themselves to be the bullies of the AFC North by this point and any path to a title was likely to pass through the Steel City. An emotionally charged Bengal win at Heinz Field led to some of the Bengals thinking it would be really funny to wipe their cleats with the Terrible Towels (oh boy do I hate Terrible Towels). It turns out that the Steelers did not find it really funny and a rivalry was born. Naturally the two teams would meet for the third time in the playoffs, when The Kimo von Oelhoffen Incident happened. It’s bad enough to see your Franchise QB lying face down on the turf after clearly having his knee blowout. It’s even worse following it with watching the first playoff appearance in 20 years unravel slowly at the hands of a doofus QB named Ben and a s**t eating grinning WR named Hines. To make matters worse, that Steeler team (and their ugly and stupid black and gold jerseys) went on to win the Super Bowl in Detroit. Speaking of Detroit, did you know that Jerome Bettis is from Detroit? The only upside really was that the Seahawks fans I know were now united with me in their hatred of the Steelers, but they held more hate for the refs. It appears that there will be no shaking the Steelers any time soon, no matter how much of an idiot Ben Roethlisberger proves himself to be. If the Bengals can sweep the Steelers again next season, I will be one happy dude for at least two days this fall.

Just when I thought I had maxed out on teams that I loathed, along came the Philadelphia Phillies. As I mentioned before, the Pirates were initially the bane of my Mets fan existence. Later in the 90’s,the Braves were the turd in my Mets fan punch bowl. Now it is the Phillies who are peeing in my Mets fan Cheerios. In 2007 and 2008, the Mets endured epic collapses that left them making tee times come October instead of competing for the World Series. The beneficiary of these collapses you ask? You guessed it. The Phillies. If it doesn’t seem fair to you to hate the Phillies just because they figured out that it’s a good idea to not play awful baseball in September, you’re probably right. At this point I thought I’ve pretty well illustrated that fairness is not a strength of mine as a fan. Once again, it is much simpler to just hate the Phillies. Also, it doesn’t help that their roster is full of jerk faces. Just because Jimmy Rollins is absolutely right when he calls the Mets choke artists, it doesn’t make it OK for him to say it. So welcome to the club, Phillies. You are now on a prestigious list of teams that I will root against regardless of your opponent.

Long story short (seriously, you should have seen the long version), I don’t know what I did to Pennsylvania to cause them to turn their teams against me, but I really don’t appreciate it. If there was anything worth doing in the Keystone State, I would completely boycott it. Since there isn’t, I will continue to fulfill my duty as a sports fan: say snarky things about teams I don’t like.

Let’s Go Mets. Who Dey.

Note from the Author: Regards to my buddy Dave’s family and cheesesteaks. My beef is not with you.

Hope Springs Eternal...Except For When It Doesn't

Today is the sort of day that a professional beat writer for the Washington Wizards dreams about. Unfortunately, I don't have any connections to get a beat writer's reaction in this space, so an amateur blogger who happens to love the Wizards will have to do. The sporting world has a real knack for mixing in highs and lows to the point that you never really know what to think about anything. Today had a little of both for this intrepid reporter.

Throughout the train wreck that was the Wizards' season, there was always a thought in the back of my mind that it could at least result in the number one pick in the NBA draft. At the same time, a freshman at the University of Kentucky named John Wall was lighting up the country and being lauded as an elite level prospect and possibly a franchise changer. I would jokingly tell my fellow Wiz fans that this year would be worthwhile when John Wall was suiting up for us next year. Since my teams stink, though, I assumed it wouldn't actually happen. Some incredible ping pong balls and the infinitely superior karma of a beloved owner's widow over a Russian billionaire made the John Wall/Washington Wizards scenario a reality today. I yell at many sporting events happening on TV, but a nerd in a suit pulling a card out of an envelope isn't usually one of them. Nonetheless, I was the only person at the Copper Hog (the coolest place in Bellingham) cheering at the lottery. This is the beauty of sports. Events like drafts and draft lotteries make sure you have just enough hope that your team will come around. The hopeful fan in me is giddy tonight. The Wizards are drafting John Wall or Evan Turner. Both appear to be locks. Not even the Wizards can mess this one up.

On the other hand...

Once again, I am going to point out that this site is called "My Team Stinks". Of course the Wizards can mess this one up. They stink! They had a 10 percent chance of winning the draft lottery because they were horrendous last year. They were horrendous last year because the decision makers who build their roster are the sort of people who mess up draft picks. They were horrendous last year because their "best player" has a knee seemingly made out of tinker toys. Also, said "best player" is a total imbecile with a penchant for bringing guns in the locker room to settle card game disputes. Gilbert Arenas is not the sort of guy with whom you want your prized rookie sharing the back court. Lastly, need I mention that the last time the Wiz had the number one pick in the draft, they took a guy named Kwame Brown. Ruh roh.

I can confidently say that I no longer possess the ability to react to the events that surround my favorite teams rationally. I will always hope for the absolute best and look forward to a day when I can write about one of my teams winning a championship. Until that day, though, any good news is likely to be met with a tinge of pessimism while I wait for the other shoe to drop.

Nobody Beats the Wiz.

The History of “My Team Stinks” Part III: The Washington Capitals

Like most Americans, hockey was a sport that wasn’t exactly on my radar during my earliest years as a sports fan. I knew nothing about the NHL aside from the casual knowledge that Wayne Gretzky was great. If all of the players’ nicknames were equally as on-the-nose as “The Great One”, I probably could have figured the sport out a lot more quickly. For example, if Grant Fuhr’s nickname would have been - - actually never mind. I’m going to move on. This post is going to be about the Washington Capitals.

It wasn’t until 6th grade that I started becoming interested in hockey. There are three things that caused this to happen: NHLPA ’93 for Sega Genesis, roller blades and Al Iafrate. The latter of these two actually intersected directly when I would play roller hockey with my big bro, Mark, and he would refer to himself as Al Iafrate. The first time he made this reference, I honestly had no idea what the hell he was talking about, but since he is my big bro, I was in no place to question it. Fortunately, I was living in the DC area at the time so it didn’t take long for me to find out that Mr. Iafrate (pronounced eye-uh-fray-tee) was a mulleted-yet-somehow-still-bald defenseman for the Caps. He also happened to be the owner of the hardest slap shot in the NHL. Not yet understanding the nuances of the NHL, something like “hardest slap shot in the NHL” really spoke to me. It wasn’t long before I wanted to be Al Iafrate while playing roller hockey, but Mark had that covered so I’d always have to be Sylvain Cote or maybe Calle Johansson if I was feeling particularly Swedish. I can’t imagine there were many kids living out the athletic fantasy of being Sylvain Cote, but I like to think I was more pragmatic than the average 6th grader.

Thanks to the good folks at EA Sports and their creation of the greatest sports simulation series of all time (initially NHLPA ’93, then NHL ’94, NHL ’95, etc), I quickly developed a finer appreciation for all things hockey. It still took me a while to figure out the offsides rule, but who played the NHL games with the offsides on anyway? I won’t even bother trying to put the NHL video game experience into words. It is, and forever will be, best captured by the scene in Swingers when Trent “makes Little Wayne’s head bleed”. (Please note: the video contains adult langauge. Lots and lots of adult language)



During this era of Washington Caps hockey, I thought I might be getting my first indoctrination into cheering for a consistently successful franchise. The Caps were in the midst of a run of 14 consecutive playoff appearances when I came aboard as a fan. Most people, unless they are Blues fans, would agree that such a streak is awfully impressive. For whatever reason, though, the Caps could never quite get over the hump. Usually some stupid team from Pittsburgh with a wimpy little bird mascot did the deed of knocking my boys out of the playoffs. At least it always seemed like it was at the Penguins’ hands. In 1998, the Caps did make a memorable run to the Stanley Cup Finals and I was even there in person when they clinched a trip to the Conference finals. It was a pretty remarkable run and it’s the sort of thing that makes all the tough years worthwhile for us fans. Sadly, though, the Caps were quickly dismissed by the Red Wings and that was that. Could you really expect anything different? It’s not like this website is called “Myteamsstinkbutit’sOKbecausetheyhaveoccassionallywontitlesinthelast20years.blogspot.com”.

The magic of ’98 was short-lived. It seemed like the Caps were poised to make a run at being an elite team when they traded for Jaromir Jagr. I hate Jaromir Jagr. It didn’t work out. Within a few short years, the Caps were blowing up the team and rebuilding completely.

In the world of sports, you hear often about a team being in rebuilding mode, but it’s not as frequent to hear about a team successfully coming out the other side as “rebuilt”. By some miracle of miracles, the Caps have figured out how to do this and assembled one of the best rosters of young talent in the league, including the dynamic, mature, unbelievable role model to people everywhere, Alex Ovechkin. (Whatever. If you want to call him a petulant choke artist, start your own blog.) I don’t remember a team filling me with as much legitimate hope as the 2009-’10 Capitals. Subsequently, I don’t remember as devastating a loss as when said team was eliminated from the first round of the playoffs by some team from French Canada. I mentioned before that I cried when the Bengals lost the Super Bowl. I was damn close to crying again when the Caps bowed out this year. One lesson I learned with this loss is something that only comes with age and I never could have done it when it when I was a 7 year old crying over the Bengals: Being a sports fan is a little easier when you can drink whiskey.

Let’s Go Caps.

The History of "My Teams Stink" Part II: The New York Metropolitans

I have no distinct memories of how I became a Mets fan like I did with the Bengals. I’m pretty confident it involved Dwight Gooden and Darryl Strawberry to some extent. You see, I had a serious drug habit throughout elementary school, so I could really relate to Doc and Darryl. Actually, I have no idea why I latched on to the Mets, other than being of the belief that they were a successful organiztion with some popular players. I also felt an unspeakable magnetism to Howard Johnson’s beard. The Mets were coming off winning the World Series in ’86 (a big deal to any 5 year old) and went to the NLCS in '88 so I imagine that I had little difficulty deducing with my child brain that they were pretty good.

Coincidentally, the Mets much like the Bengals proceeded to suck for virtually all of an era that historians refer to as “the 90’s”. A note to all you readers (reader?) out there: If your children are going to pick their favorite team based on current success, please try to make sure that the team they are choosing is not on the tale end of a successful run – or comprised largely of criminals. (Read: tell your kids to stop rooting for the Cavs. Immediately.)

The fact that I am both a Bengals and Mets fan not only got me laughed at during the previously posted Copper Hog episode, it also had people guffawing at my expense in middle school. In 7th grade, one of my classes had a “Getting to Know You” exercise that resulted in me sharing the appreciation I had for my beloved orange clad heroes. Hilarity ensued. 7th graders can be so cruel sometimes. 1993 was a bad time to let everyone know that you were a Bengals and Mets fan, especially to a bunch of pubescent jerks.

The similarities to the Bengals did not stop merely at sucking. The Mets’ lack of success on the field was also compounded by a litany of embarrassing off the field gaffes. Vince Coleman threw a lit firecracker into a crowd of autograph seeking fans mere months after injuring Dwight Gooden while swinging a golf club in the clubhouse. In his defense the multiple uses of "clubhouse" obviously created a misunderstanding. Doc and Darryl became the poster children for Major League Baseball. Unfortunately their posters of choice came in the form of mug shots. Rickey Henderson and Bobby Bonilla found more interest in a card game than a playoff game. It was about the early 90's Mets that the book "The Worst Team Money Could Buy" was written. So there's that. On a side note, I'm terribly disappointed that I can't find the clip of Bobby Bo's "We just chillin" incident that the book caused.

The Mets have had some competitive teams in recent years. While I was in college, they went to the Series, but fell short against the Yankees in the Subway Series. The words "epic collapse" are pretty commonly associated to varying degrees with the 2006-2009 seasons, which is unfortunate. This season "that other New York baseball team" is most likely somewhere between mediocre and not too bad. On the bright side, they are exceeding expectations.

Through it all, I continue to root for them. I'm just like Jerry Seinfeld, except I'm neither famous nor rich and I think that the guy who hosts "The Marriage Ref" is awful.

Let's go Mets.