I’ll dazzle you with more inaccurate predictions in a moment, but first a funny fantasy football story. As little as anyone cares about the Mets or WSU or Tottenham Hotspur, I can’t imagine anyone aside from me gives a crap at all about my fantasy football team, but trust me, this is kinda funny. More “sad funny” than “funny haha”, but still. To provide a brief back story, I had Ryan Grant on my team, he went down for the year and my running back situation immediately went to hell. I’m now in the position of having guys who could be good, as long as someone else gets hurt and can’t play. One of those guys is Kenneth Darby. Before last Sunday, I had never heard of Mr. Darby and certainly wouldn’t have imagined he’d be on my team. Kenneth is the back-up to the Rams’ starting running back, Steven Jackson, who injured his groin last week. Because of this injury, I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time checking on Jackson’s status. I even went so far as to follow him on Twitter to keep up to date on how he was doing (incidentally, he had a “good practice” today and he participated a little; this was not good news to me). So this is what the 21st century is like: in order to be successful as general manager of a fake football team, I can use my cell phone to access something called Twitter to keep up to speed on the goings-on of another man’s groin. You know what’s really amazing about this? I have a girlfriend. A really attractive one. And she actually likes me…well at least until she reads this paragraph.
Now on to my weekly forecast!
As always (is it too early to use “as always”? I’ve only done this twice), we’ll check in with My Stinky Teams first:
Tottenham Hotspur (H – Aston Villa)
Villa were a serious contender for my allegiance, due in no small part to the fact that their colors are the same as a club soccer team that I played on back in middle school. As great a reason to cheer for a team as that is, I went with Spurs and couldn’t be happier with my decision. Now I want Villa to get smashed. It’s time that Spurs quit lollygagging in League games and actually beat someone.
Prediction: Spurs 2 – Villa 1
Mets (vs. it doesn't matter)
It sounds like the Mets are going to fire both their general manager. This seems to be sending the message that the Mets were an assembly of bad players with a poor leader in charge of them on a day-to-day basis. Well I guess that explains the struggles. A new manager should be a good source of misplaced optimism for next year. I cant wait!
Washington State Football (@ UCLA)
I've come to realize that no matter how awful the Cougs play on the previous Saturday, I always start to think by Thursday or Friday that things will go much better the next game. Maybe this is the week. UCLA is coming off a huge upset over Texas and it looks like they'll be missing their starting quarterback this week. On the other hand, WSU hasn't won a conference game in almost two years. I just can't pick a win
Prediction: UCLA 35 - WSU 20
Bengals (@ Browns)
For some reason, I've seen several predictions that the Browns will win this game. I believe the Bengals defense will have none of that. I'm worried about Carson Palmer, sure, but they've found ways to win in spite of his struggles. Cincy will retain bragging rights in the state of Ohio. That's kinda like being the coolest kid in marching band, but bragging rights are bragging rights.
Prediction: Bengals 23 - Browns 10
With the exception of a few teams on a bye week, the rest of the NFL will play games this weekend too. As long as they play 'em, I'll keep making half baked guesses about what will happen. Here we go!
49ers @ Falcons (-6.5)
I'm not saying that the Niners have tuned out Mike Singletary, but I am saying that during team meetings things that players are doing instead of listening include, but are not limited to, doodling, listening to an iPod, Sudoku, the dot game and folding paper into those things people made in middle school where you write numbers on the top, then colors on the inside, and eventually you open up a fortune of some sort. You know what I'm talking about.
Prediction: Falcons 24 - Niners - 14
Jets (-5.5) @ Bills
Ryan Fitzpatrick versus the Jets defense. Yeah, OK. Not gonna happen, Buffalo. Well done with the wings, though. You'll always have the wings.
Prediction: Jets 20 - Bills 6
Bonus Prediction: Rex Ryan will have a distinct orange hue to the skin on his fingers and around his mouth.
Lions @ Packers (-14.5)
I saw "The Social Network" tonight. Excellent movie. You've gotta check it out. What does that have to do with the Lions-Packers game? Absolutely nothing.
Prediction: Packers 27 - Lions 14
Bonus Prediction: I will avoid any program on which Chris Berman is calling highlights of this game because he will insist on referring to it as an "NFC Norris Division" matchup and that's annoying. Chris Berman is stupid.
Broncos @ Titans (-6.5)
You know how often times before the game, the two teams' starting quarterbacks hang around and chat each other up briefly? What do you suppose that's like when Kyle Orton and Vince Young get together?
Prediction: Titans 21 - Broncos 20
Seahawks (-.5) @ Rams
Kenneth Darby!!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease! That is all.
Prediction: Seahawks 20 - Rams 10
Bonus Prediction: The number of Seahawks shirts I see around my office will increase significantly this week.
Panthers @ Saints (-13.5)
The Panthers are not good. Jimmy Clausen is especially not good. The Saints are the defending Super Bowl champs. The Superdome is one of the most intimidating stadiums in the NFL. These are the facts and they are indisputable.
Prediction: Saints 35 - Panthers 10
Ravens @ Steelers (-1.5)
How are the Ravens supposed to concentrate on anything with all those gosh darned towels waving about? That could pose a problem, but not as big a problem as the fact that the Steelers are still starting Chaz Batch. The Ravens have to win so I can avoid shaking my fist and saying, "Goooooo!! Damn you, Steelers!"
Prediction: Ravens 13 - Steelers 9
Colts (-8) @ Jaguars
Let's try to think of worse ideas than David Garrard's contract extension, shall we? I was going to say there are none until I saw the US Ryder Cup Team's lavender button down cardigans just now. Those are definitely a worse idea, but that's about it.
Prediction: Colts 27 - Jags 13
Texans (-3.5) @ Raiders
Did you all know that my oldest brother is a Texans fan? And that he became one because of David Carr? I just think that's funny.
Prediction: Texans 17 - Raiders 14
Cardinals @ Chargers (-8.5)
It's hard to believe that the Cardinals are just two seasons removed from a trip to the Super Bowl. They are not even a little bit good now. I'm not exactly sold on San Diego, but I'm pretty sure they'll play well at home and are just about to hit that annual stretch when they stop being crappy.
Prediction: Chargers 24 - Cardinals 13
Bonus Prediction: Larry Fitzgerald, so fed up with Derek Anderson's errant throws, will escape through the floor of the locker room shower at half time and never play another game for the Cardinals. If that one comes true, please remember you heard it here first during the ensuing media frenzy.
Redskins @ Eagles (-6.5)
Did you know that Donovan McNabb used to play for the Eagles and now he plays for the Redskins and this his first game back in Philadelphia? You might catch wind of this storyline. Mike Vick will prove that the Eagles made the right choice, even if they made that choice because of Kevin Kolb.
Prediction: Eagles 20 - Redskins 14
Bears @ Giants (-3.5)
I said last week that the Giants are not good and they did nothing to prove otherwise. When the Giants play on the road, the home team should start giving gifts to Tom Coughlin like baseball teams did for Bobby Cox this season. Coach Coughlin, this season is your farewell tour.
Prediction: Bears 24 - Giants 20
Patriots (-.5) @ Dolphins
I am exremely confident that the Patriots will not win by half a point. Beyond that, I'm not sure. The consensus seems to be that the Dolphins are good, but I'm not so sure. The Patriots offense definitely looks to be rolling, but their defense might be legitimately terrible (except week 1 against the Bengals. That was an excellent defense; not sure what happened since then). I'll have to figure this out completely illogically...I've got it. The Dolphins are referred to as the 'Fins (or 'Phins I guess). Finn from Glee is the worst football player in the history of football players. Sorry, 'Phins.
Prediction: Patriots 27 - Dolphins 24
That is all. Enjoy the weekend, everybody!
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