Welcome to a new feature on My Teams Stink. This will be a good chance for me to post the latest thoughts on My Stinky Teams on a weekly basis and try my hand at a little prognostication. My first bold prediction is that having my projections in writing will prove that I don’t know nearly as much about sports as I think I do. In my defense, sports are unpredictable and I have many other interests in my life. Like other TV shows. And sleeping.
First, a look at my teams:
The Mets (@Phillies)
Whoa! They’re still playing?! When the Mets are out of contention, I usually stop following closely around the time that football season starts. For one thing, it’s depressing to constantly check the scores when they lose most of the time. Also, it’s hard to get too excited about a win that doesn’t mean anything whatsoever. From what I gather, the lineup is currently comprised mostly of guys that were called up from the minors. I guess this is good for the future. On the bright side, they’re playing the Phillies. That always goes well in September.
Prediction: Phils close out a sweep on Sunday. Moving on.
Tottenham Hotspur (@West Ham United)
Wait…what?! That’s right, folks. There is a new addition to the My Teams Stink family. For those unfamiliar, Tottenham Hotspur is a soccer team in the Barclay’s English Premier League (I think I have to say Barclay’s or men in suits will show up and hurt me). After a painstaking process to choose which team I would support, the boys from White Hart Lane came out on top. Welcome aboard, Spurs! I hope that I haven’t thrown a massive jinx on you. I was a bit worried that my presence as a fan was already causing the team to struggle, but things have been looking up lately, a loss in the Carling Cup to hated Arsenal notwithstanding. As for this weekend, Spurs are traveling across London to face last place West Ham United. The Hammers have mustered only 1 point thus far this year, so a loss would be disappointing. That said, I’m learning to be satisfied with ties on the road. The American in me says ties are stupid so I’ll settle for nothing less than a victory. Look for my boy Tom Huddlestone (oh yeah, they have a guy named Tom Freaking Huddlestone on their team!!) to net his first goal of the year.
Prediction: Spurs win 2-0.
Bonus prediction: my buddy Korey will insist on calling them “the Spurs” and I’ll insist it’s really cool to just call them “Spurs”.
Washington State Football (H – USC)
If you read my season preview, you’d already know that I am terrible at predicting the future. Just after I said that the days of WSU football being a laughingstock were over, the apparently not-so-mighty Cougs got their heads kicked in 65-17 by Oklahoma State. Ouch. Up next came a nail biting victory against FCS Montana State and a loss to SMU, the only team that WSU beat last year. At first glance, it seems that the tales of offseason improvement were greatly exaggerated. That said, this team really does look better. It's extremely difficult to make that case, but they make significantly more plays than they have the last couple years. Unfortunately, they also screw up a lot, which makes winning extremely challenging. Meanwhile, USC is looking more vulnerable than they have in years, struggling to a certain degree in all three games so far. If ever there were a time that this team could be had for an upset, this is the year. Am I predicting WSU will pull off such an upset? Heck no! I’m a homer, but I’m not insane. Prediction: Pain. Oops. I went a little Clubber Lang there.
Prediction: USC 48 – WSU 27.
Bonus Prediction: I will punch the arm of my couch upwards of 6 times.
Extra Bonus Prediction: The following tune will be stuck in my head from 12:10 PST on come Saturday: “Duhhhh-da-da-da-da-da-da-duhhhhhhhhh”…. Stupid USC.
Cincinnati Bengals (@Carolina Panthers)
Was I worried that the 2010 Bengals season would be a disaster following the dismantling by the Patriots on opening day? Yes. Yes I was. The YOOOOOOJ win over Baltimore last week combined with what seems to be a soft schedule going into the bye week have changed that mindset. When it comes to the Bengals, though, I’m always a worrier. They have a tendency to be somewhat Schizophrenic and lose when it’s least expected. Kinda like they did against the Raiders last year. On the bright side, they get to face America’s least favorite quarterback, Jimmy Clausen in his first career start. This is the type of game the Bengals need to win convincingly if they aspire to be among the league's elite.
Prediction: Bengals: 23 - Panthers: 10
On the off chance that you're tired of hearing about the same teams over and over (and over) again, here are my NFL picks for the week:
49ers (-2.5) @ Chiefs
I assume Niner fans were looking forward to this one on the schedule when it came out. Then again, they were probably looking forward to starting the season with the Seahawks. I think this game will play out more like people would have guessed in the preseason. It's time for the Chiefs to come back down to Earth a bit.
Prediction: Niners 21 Chiefs 17
Browns @ Ravens (-10.5)
Seneca Wallace against an angry Ravens defense. Yikes. Maybe the Browns shouldn't have ditched the brown pants this year, for Seneca's sake.
Prediction: Ravens 31 - Browns 7
Cowboys @ Texans (-2.5)
Ummmm...hmmmmmm....uhhhhhhhhhh.....I dunno. The Cowboys can't really go 0-3, can they? Or maybe they're really just not very good. They absolutely have to win and figure to play like it, but Houston absolutely won't take this one lightly. This one figures to be close. If it is, the Cowboys are screwed. Their kicker, David Buehler makes Fulton Reed look like William Tell. While you Google that reference, I'll come up with a pick.
Prediction: Texans 24 - Cowboys 21
Bonus Prediction: Buehler will severely injure a cotton candy vendor while shanking a game-winning field goal attempt well wide.
Lions @ Vikings (-10.5)
I am giddy at the idea of Brett Favre falling on his face this year. After all the drama, a forced midyear retirement would be a suitable end. Unfortunately, disaster won't strike just yet with Shaun Hill starting on the other side.
Prediction: Vikings 24 Lions 17
Bills @ Patriots (-13.5)
The Bills should devote more time this season to scouting college players than watching NFL film. They're awful.
Prediction: Pats 38 Bills 10
Falcons @ Saints (-4.5)
I can't decide, but I do know that those Real Housewives shows bug me and one of them was in Atlanta so I'm taking the Saints.
Prediction: Saints 28 Falcons 24
Titans @ Giants (-3.5)
Chris Johnson versus The Icebox. It doesn't get any better than that. Hang on....I'm told the Titans are actually playing the Big Giants. I don't think they're any good. They're certainly no Little Giants.
Prediction: Titans 20 Giants 14
(insert your favorite curse word) Steelers (-2.5) @ Buccaneers
Fantastic. Troy Polamalu is back, the Steelers defense is dominant and they are undefeated without Creepy Ben. Ugh. I can't talk about it anymore.
Prediction: Steelers 3 - Bucs 0
Eagles (-2.5) @ Jaguars
Mike Vick is back doing Mike Vick things and quite frankly it's exciting. Sure, he's pretty awful at being a human being, but man he's fast! As for the Jaguarssssssssssssssssssfdfddddsa. Sorry, the Jaguars mike me sleepy. I was face down on the keyboard there for a sec.
Prediction: Eagles 28 Jags 20
Redskins (-3.5) @ Rams
I've decided the Rams need to change their jerseys. I automatically associate with them with ineptitude. Even if Sam Bradford is good, he'll look bad to me because of the jerseys. Is that a credibility issue for me?
Prediction: Redskins 20 Rams 10
Colts (-6.5) @ Broncos
In the battle of horses, you'd think that a wild untrained horse would have no problem handling a male horse under the age of four. In the football battle, Peyton Manning will have no problem handling Kyle Orton. I will say, though, that Orton is extremely underrated. That Manning guy is just really really good.
Prediction: Colts 31 Broncos 24
Raiders @ Cardinals (-4.5)
Among things you will never ever hear in your life, "Can't wait for that Bruce Gradkowski-Derek Anderson" showdown ranks pretty high.
Prediction: Incompletions. Lots and lots of incompletions. And Raiders 20 Cardinals 17. Why the hell not?
Chargers (-5.5) @ Seahawks
I really like the way that Pete Carroll has the Seahawks playing right now. As long as Matt Hasselbeck doesn't poop the bed like he did last week, they should be plenty competitive. The Qwest Field crowd can be tough on the most poised quarterbacks. For someone completely insane like Phil Rivers, it could be a long day. I think this game will be a good one. I think they Chargers talent will pull it out, but it should be close.
Prediction: Chargers 21 - Seahawks 20
Jets @ Dolphins (-1.5)
I wish the Jets could get a little more exposure. I feel like I've hardly seen them play this year.
Prediction: Jets 13 - Dolphins 9
Packers (-3.5) @ Bears
Can Jay Cutler please go back to the sulky whiner that looks really annoyed all the time? I hate that Jay Cutler, but I like him because I like hating him. You know what I'm sayin? Monday Night Football seems like the perfect time for him to throw a few picks and look real doofy.
Prediction: Packers 27 - Bears 17
Bonus Prediction: I will get zero of these picks exactly right.
Extra Bonus Prediction: My record straight up will be mediocre and my record against the spread will be awful.
Mega Bonus Prediction: I may never pick every NFL game in a week again. It's hard. We'll see where these weekly forecasts go.
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