The History of My Team Stinks Part IV: Washington State University

Recently, the Washington State baseball season came to its predictable early conclusion after they were eliminated from the regional round of the College World Series. By “recently”, I mean on June 7. I was trying to cover up that this post isn’t exactly timely, but we’re all about transparency here at My Team Stinks. You can blame my editor for the delay. (Editor’s note: the editor’s name is Tim; again with the transparency.) I digress.

I refer to the postseason exit of Cougar baseball as predictable not because of anything this year’s team did. To the contrary in fact, this year’s team seemed to be quite a scrappy bunch that seemed capable of some pretty big things. Their failure was predictable because they are the Washington State University baseball team. For those who are not familiar with the history, my beloved Wazzu[1] is not exactly associated with athletic greatness. Even the once a decade occasions, when things do go well, are typically short lived. Not that it matters much for those of you loyal readers on the East Coast. True Story: during my senior year, the mighty Jason Gesser led Cougar football team was ranked third in the country deep into the season. This did not prevent one of my buddies back home from asking my how our football team was doing. How’s that for an east coast bias? A number three ranking won’t even get you noticed.
Speaking of the Jason Gesser led Cougar football teams, that particular era serves as a perfect representation of success on the Palouse[2]. The Cougs during Gesser’s Junior year completed an out of nowhere 10 win season with a win over the Kyle Orton led Purdue Boilermakers in the Sun Bowl. I really wish it had been the Drew Brees led Purdue Boilermakers to make it sound more impressive, but whatever. More critical in the statement is that the success could be described as out of nowhere. Virtually any time the Cougs field a highly successful team in anything, the success comes from out of nowhere. This does not speak to Washington State athletes being unusually sneaky, although such a reputation would be awesome. The fact that success is a surprise speaks to a decades-long history of futility. Washington State is like many of the great dynasties of American sports, except the exact opposite.

All of that said, the Sun Bowl success led to a rare instance that the Cougs went into a season with high expectations. Much to my delight, the expectations were actually met. Following an early season loss to THE Ohio State University, Gesser and the boys went on an unbelievable run to a Pac 10 Championship, including a huge win over USC (before they cheated). I had the fortune of being a student during this season and that USC win is probably the most exciting sporting event I’ve been to in person. I say “probably” because my memory stinks too. This season also featured one of the worst sporting events I’ve attended in person: the 2002 Apple Cup . Any event that leads to my mom crying over a Baileys and hot chocolate is not a good event. Fortunately, this brutal loss was not enough to keep the Cougs from a trip to the Rose Bowl. It was really the thought of my family’s planned attendance at said Rose Bowl having to be cancelled that had mom so upset, not the loss, but still. Bad times nonetheless. I distinctly remember two things about going to the Rose Bowl: finding out just what the hell a Sooner is and the Cougs getting the ever loving crap beaten out of them by a bunch of apparently angry Sooners. You see, even the finest of Wazzu achievements are sullied by failure. (Think Ryan Leaf).

The following season was another successful campaign that ended in a shocking upset of Texas in the Holiday Bowl. It appeared that Washington State football had somehow managed to stop stinking. Cut to the present. The Cougar Football team’s record over the last two seasons: 3 wins, 22 losses. Over the course of those 25 games, the Cougs have been outscored 1109-309. That works out to an average of losing 44-12 every single week for two straight seasons. To say Cougar football stinks is underselling it. Cougar football in its current form is an absolute abomination. That is, until we shock the world this year. Hey-ooooooooo! I should also mention that hope springs eternal on the Palouse. One can't really be a Coug fan without delusions of grandeur.

Similar stories could be detailed about the basketball team over the last five years and about the baseball team and even about women’s soccer. In short, every one of the athletic programs at Washington State University stinks (unless you count the women’s crew team. Sorry, women’s crew team. Nobody counts the crew team. If I could do something about this oversight, I would). When Cougar teams don’t stink, they are basically Charlie Conway in “The Mighty Ducks” before Coach Bombay taught him how to fly (i.e. “it’s Spazway, he’ll screw up). Prosperity is very likely to be met with disappointment. Such a track record is what gives rise to sayings like, “Win or lose, we drink more booze” and t-shirts that say, “Our drinking team has a football problem”. To wear the futility as a badge of honor surely doesn’t do anything to help matters, but it is kinda fun and certainly easier to write snarky things about.

Washington State has produced many distinguished alumni over the years in all walks of life: broadcasters, cartoonists, project coordinators and even athletes. It is a place that I love dearly and I am forever grateful for the time I spent there. Unfortunately, when all is said and done, being a Wazzu alum and an irrational sports fan is an extremely ill-fated combination.

Go Cougs.

[1] Wazzu is the unofficial nickname of Washington State University. It would make more sense if it were Washington Ztate University and thus WZU, but I love it all the same, just like every other Coug does (V. Lane Rawlins notwithstanding). I won’t footnote a footnote so you’ll have to Google V. Lane Rawlins. Don’t be lazy.

[2] The Palouse is a region encompassing parts of southeastern Washington, north central Idaho and, in some definitions, extending south into northeast Oregon. It is a major agricultural area, primarily producing wheat and legumes. The region is home to two land grant universities, the University of Idaho in Moscow and Washington State University in Pullman. Located just eight miles (13 km) apart, both schools opened in the early 1890s.