The NBA Finals kicked off tonight. Because my teams stink and don't do things like get to the Finals, neither participant is a team that I would consider a favorite. Since 2008, though, I have found myself being consistently entertained by the Celtics and in particular Ray Allen. I could watch that guy shoot jumpers all day (in a way that isn’t weird if at all possible). Aside from being highly entertained by Lamar Odom’s candy addiction, there isn’t a lot about the Lakers I like so I’ll be rooting for the Celtics. American Idol notwithstanding, my rooting interests are typically closely associated with losing, so my apologies, Celtics Fans. My support is probably a harbinger of bad things to come for your traveling band of extremely tall Leprechauns. They are all Leprechauns, right?
Since the Wizards aren’t involved in the NBA Finals (shockingly enough), they won’t provide a lot of fodder about which I can keep a running commentary for the next couple weeks, excluding the unnecessarily long unrelated intro paragraph to this entry. Also, I just obtained a Playstation 3 so writing about current events will not be a strength of mine since most of my current events involve playing NHL 10. All these factors mean I will write about whatever I feel like writing about at a certain time. Today, I want to write about Pennsylvania. I do not like Pennsylvania.
Recently, the Mets swept the Philadelphia Phillies in a three game series in which the “Phightin’ Phils” were shut out in all three games. My disproportionate amount of excitement about this turn of events reminded me once again of my hatred for the state of Pennsylvania. Mediocrity, you see, is not the only common thread among my favorite teams. There has also been for years a recurring theme of teams from Pittsburgh and Philadelphia serving the role of nemesis to my sports heroes. This combined with driving across the state and its stupid toll road a couple of times with a little dash of the Amish mixed in are why I hate Pennsylvania. Just kidding, Amish people. You guys are cool. Nice quilts. Now get off the internet.
Aaaaaaanyhew….my first memories of distaste for a Pennsylvania team came from the Pittsburgh Pirates. Anyone under the age of 20 who may be reading this might be shocked to find out that there was a period of time when the Pirates were really good. They had a skinny guy named Bonds who played left field that vaguely resembled the enormous guy named Bonds who later played for the Giants and broke Hank Aaron’s all time home run record*. Bonds’ greatness combined with Doug Drabek’s mullet and Sid Bream’s knee brace to make quite a formidable team. I’ve previously referenced the Mets’ “Worst Team Money Could Buy Era”. This coincided with a time that the Pirates were winning three straight National League East titles and from what I can remember routinely bludgeoning the Mets. Also, the Pirates wear black and gold, which is an ugly and stupid combination. The Pirates have since evolved into one of the most pathetic franchises in the history of sports so my dislike of them has waned, but as they fell off, there were a few other annoying Pennsylvania based teams right there to pick up the slack.
Moving along chronologically on my timeline of Pennsylvania disdain, we come to a time when I grew to hate the Pittsburgh Penguins. I’d never imagined hating the Pittsburgh Penguins since they were such a force on the previously referenced NHLPA ’93, but as soon as I officially became a Caps fan, it became abundantly clear that I had no other choice but to hate them. When it comes to being a sports fan, you can either choose unbridled hatred or begrudging respect when it comes to your favorite teams’ rivals. I always choose unbridled hatred. I can acknowledge that the Penguins have had a number of good teams over the years and that because they have been good, the Caps have often been on the receiving end of painful losses to them. This is all completely rational, but being a sports fan is not about being rational. It’s about rooting like hell for one team and against the other. My love for the Caps is equaled only by my hatred for the Pens. Wins against them are more satisfying and losing to them is more painful. Sadly, I know far more about the latter. To refer to the Caps-Pens rivalry as a rivalry in the first place is a bit of a stretch. That would be like referring to my NERF free throw shooting contests with my brother Mark a rivalry. In reality it’s just one side losing to another over and over again. It would be unnatural to not hate something that caused you so much disappointment (please note: I do not hate my brother. NERF basketball failures were never that disappointing). It hasn’t helped that the Penguins, in my totally unbiased opinion, have been filled with such an annoying cast of characters over the years. From Jaromir Jagr (maybe I just hate mullets?) all the way through to Sidney Crosby, all in their ugly and stupid black and gold jerseys, there are no players on any team that have bothered me more. Sid the Kid will almost assuredly warrant his own blog entry at some point. It was disappointing to say the least when the Caps were bounced unceremoniously from the playoffs this year, but in a way it was a relief that the Capitals-Penguins playoff rematch never materialized. Series between the two take years off my life.
If there is a silver lining that comes from your favorite team sucking for an entire decade, it’s that it limits the amount of hate in your heart for the other teams. There was no dirty deed in beating the Bengals for most of my life since everyone did it. It would be weird if there was a team around for which the Bengals weren’t personal whipping boys. I was too busy hating the people responsible for my own team’s putrid play to concern myself with hating a rival. That all changed in 2005. The stars somehow aligned that year and allowed the Bengals to actually be good. The Steelers had established themselves to be the bullies of the AFC North by this point and any path to a title was likely to pass through the Steel City. An emotionally charged Bengal win at Heinz Field led to some of the Bengals thinking it would be really funny to wipe their cleats with the Terrible Towels (oh boy do I hate Terrible Towels). It turns out that the Steelers did not find it really funny and a rivalry was born. Naturally the two teams would meet for the third time in the playoffs, when The Kimo von Oelhoffen Incident happened. It’s bad enough to see your Franchise QB lying face down on the turf after clearly having his knee blowout. It’s even worse following it with watching the first playoff appearance in 20 years unravel slowly at the hands of a doofus QB named Ben and a s**t eating grinning WR named Hines. To make matters worse, that Steeler team (and their ugly and stupid black and gold jerseys) went on to win the Super Bowl in Detroit. Speaking of Detroit, did you know that Jerome Bettis is from Detroit? The only upside really was that the Seahawks fans I know were now united with me in their hatred of the Steelers, but they held more hate for the refs. It appears that there will be no shaking the Steelers any time soon, no matter how much of an idiot Ben Roethlisberger proves himself to be. If the Bengals can sweep the Steelers again next season, I will be one happy dude for at least two days this fall.
Just when I thought I had maxed out on teams that I loathed, along came the Philadelphia Phillies. As I mentioned before, the Pirates were initially the bane of my Mets fan existence. Later in the 90’s,the Braves were the turd in my Mets fan punch bowl. Now it is the Phillies who are peeing in my Mets fan Cheerios. In 2007 and 2008, the Mets endured epic collapses that left them making tee times come October instead of competing for the World Series. The beneficiary of these collapses you ask? You guessed it. The Phillies. If it doesn’t seem fair to you to hate the Phillies just because they figured out that it’s a good idea to not play awful baseball in September, you’re probably right. At this point I thought I’ve pretty well illustrated that fairness is not a strength of mine as a fan. Once again, it is much simpler to just hate the Phillies. Also, it doesn’t help that their roster is full of jerk faces. Just because Jimmy Rollins is absolutely right when he calls the Mets choke artists, it doesn’t make it OK for him to say it. So welcome to the club, Phillies. You are now on a prestigious list of teams that I will root against regardless of your opponent.
Long story short (seriously, you should have seen the long version), I don’t know what I did to Pennsylvania to cause them to turn their teams against me, but I really don’t appreciate it. If there was anything worth doing in the Keystone State, I would completely boycott it. Since there isn’t, I will continue to fulfill my duty as a sports fan: say snarky things about teams I don’t like.
Let’s Go Mets. Who Dey.
Note from the Author: Regards to my buddy Dave’s family and cheesesteaks. My beef is not with you.
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