TEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

My reaction to the Bengals’ signing of Terrell Owens is somewhat delayed, but it’s with good reason. It’s taken me this long to decide whether I consider this to be good news or bad news. In case the title of this post wasn’t enough of an indication, I’ve decided that I like the fact that the Cincinnati Bengals signed Terrell Owens to a one year contract. Since reports first surfaced that the Bengals were interested, I’ve been conflicted about whether or not I wanted to see this deal happen. That process has continued since the deal became official. The cons are obvious so let's start there.

Bringing in someone with a reputation like TO’s certainly does nothing to dispel the notion that The Queen City is the NFL’s home for wayward miscreants. Signing Pacman Jones and Terrell Owens in the same offseason is in blatant disregard to the idea that character matters when putting together a football team. Throw in the fact that there are now two notorious-diva-wide-receivers-with-reality-shows (hyphenated just in case it becomes a trend that warrants the creation of a new position; kinda like flanker) on the roster and the 2010 Bengals have the makings of a pretty combustible locker room. Anytime people send you condolences or ask things like, “Are they going to sign Ray-J next” (Well played, Sean), there is concern over the quality of the acquisition. Oh yeah, there’s also the fact that the dude is 36 years old, has declining statistics and may no longer be a legitimate NFL receiver. These are all valid points and unfortunately I wouldn’t be too terribly surprised if any were self-fulfilling prophecies.

All of that said I respectfully disagree. I have no choice, really. The preseason is a time for optimism so I have to convince myself that signing TO makes my team a real contender. In this case, though, I really do believe it. Seriously. I think.

The Bengals have been quietly compiling a track record of reclamation projects that are actually working out (see Benson, Cedric and Johnson, Tank). In fact, a cogent argument can actually be made that signings of that nature are a legitimate strategy. Players with checkered pasts come at a bargain price and are often in last chance mode. The benefits to teams who sign them are twofold. The first benefit (bargain price) is obvious. The less you have to pay for someone the better, especially if that someone rewards you with production. The second benefit (last chance mode) is more likely to be underestimated, but is equally important. As it pertains to T.O., his season in Buffalo went off without incident because he simply has no room for error. He seems to have figured out that the antics that made him expendable in San Francisco, Philadelphia and Dallas will now mean the end of his NFL career if repeated. This works hand in hand with the inexpensive contract. Teams will have no qualms about cutting ties with a guy on a one year, $2 million dollar deal. If T.O. does something to get himself run out of Cincy, it seems pretty clear that nobody else will give him another chance. Hopefully having to wait until the day before training camp to get signed sent a message to T.O. that NFL teams aren’t exactly clamoring for his services.

As to the argument that he is past his prime, I will counter with two words: Buffalo Bills. The chances of anyone putting up big numbers in the Bills offense last year were remote. The chances of anyone putting up numbers with Ryan Fitzpatrick throwing to him are zilch. Let me throw some stats at you. In 2007, with Carson Palmer playing QB, Chad Ochocinco caught 93 passes for 1,440 yards. In 2008, with Ryan Fitzpatrick starting a bulk of the games, Senor Ochocinco caught 53 balls for 540 yards. In 2009, with Carson back at the helm, Chad bounced back to catch to catch 72 passes for 1047 yards. Long story short: Ryan Fitzpatrick is terrible. To judge T.O.'s ability based on last year's numbers will not paint an accurate picture.

So there you have it, folks. In a mere 700+ words, I convinced myself to be happy that my favorite team signed a new wide receiver. I'm glad that's settled. I can now go back to thinking about other important things, like which English Premier League team will be my new favorite. I was told in English class that what I just did is called foreshadowing. Until next time...

My popcorn is ready Mr. O. Who Dey.

Not So Quick Hits: July 21, 2010

I’m back from my mini vacation and some busy times, feeling invigorated and ready to get my blog on. I’m committing myself to take this thing more seriously -- not from a content standpoint, but from a frequency (and hopefully quality) standpoint. At present, I have delusions of doing this as more than a hobby, so it’s time to buckle down and write. Incidentally, if anyone who reads this is related to someone with connections that could fulfill my dream of professionally writing about my take on sports, please pass along my blogfolio to them. What’s that? The people who read this are only related to me? Turds. Also, I welcome as much feedback as possible. Even if it’s feedback like, “Nobody will ever pay you to write. Ever.”

Unfortunately, the month of July is a bit of a quiet time here at My Teams Stink, and in sports in general. Since there is nothing going on right now about which I can compose a long form entry (translation: I can’t think of anything), I’m going to go with some quick hits on the goings-on of the past few weeks. Since I am long winded, the quick hits probably won’t be all that quick. I’m a tangent enthusiast.

First, let’s check in with the teams that inspire me to spend upwards of several minutes crafting this blog for my 4-6 fans.

Mets (Los Mets when playing in Puerto Rico)

My hope for this season ending in the playoffs is quickly dwindling. The Metropolitans have lost 9 out of their last 12 games and are drifting slowly away from striking distance of the Braves. On the bright side, I hate the Braves again. It’s so last decade. Carlos Beltran’s return to the lineup has done little to help matters. The trend lately has been that when the pitchers pitch well, the hitters don’t hit and if the hitters hit, the pitchers get hit harder. I’m no baseball expert, but I’d recommend a different approach if they want to get back in the hunt.

Bengals and Cougs

Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy. Fall camps are about to open. It’s almost football season! Can you tell I’m excited? Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy.

My hopes for both the Bengals and WSU football seasons on my newly invented My Teams Stink Hope-O-Meter (or MTSHOM) are currently “high apple pie in the sky hopes”. That is the highest level on the MTSHOM, with the lowest being “They’re s***ty”, an homage to the Asian grounds crew from “Major League”.

Super Bowl and Rose Bowl or bust! Man, I love this time of year.

The Wiz

I heart John Wall. Summer League or not, dude was awesome. So awesome, in fact, that I’m doing the John Wall dance right now. You can’t see it, but I’m typing this section with only my left hand while doing the John Wall fist twisty thing with my right. Also, Javale McGee got invited to the Team USA camp to possibly play in the World Championships! And it wasn’t even a paperwork error or anything! They really wanted him to be there based on recent performance. You go, Javale. Make America proud, buddy.

The Caps

I’m told NHL Free Agency is happening. It’s kinda like NBA free agency, but without hour long specials, or even minute long specials. There should have been one when Jeff Schultz re-signed with the Caps, but apparently not enough people care. I care and the Schultz family cares, so there. Speaking of hour long specials…

“The Decision”

Dislclaimer: Apparently you can’t be a sportswriter (or even a wannabe sportswriter like some people…OK, like me) if you don’t weigh in on this thing so here we go.

If you are to believe ESPN, clearly the biggest news in the last month, and apparently ever, is that LeBron James is “taking his talents to South Beach and joining the Miami Heat”. Since the Heat don’t play on South Beach, this has to secretly be two separate statements. LeBron James is taking his talents to South Beach. Also, LeBron James is going to play for the Miami Heat. Everybody seemed extremely fixated on the latter. I find myself far more curious about the former. Which talents will LeBron be taking to South Beach?! Is he a dynamite cribbage player? A street performer of some sort? Maybe he can do that thing where people spin a bunch of plates on sticks? Or maybe his talent is just going to be showing off his freakishly large jaw. Am I the only one who was totally distracted during the interview because it looked like LeBron had an elephant mandible stuffed into the bottom of his face? I hope he and Jim Gray do “The Decision Part II – Lebron’s Got Talent” pretty soon so this mystery can be solved.

As for the real story, there really isn’t much I can say that hasn’t already been said. I have no problem with LeBron leaving Cleveland for another team. The supporting cast of the Cavs that had surrounded LeBron was like the new girls that got stuck in the dorm with Zack, Slater and Screech on Saved by the Bell: The College Years before they panicked and brought back Kelly Kapowski. You don’t surround singular greatness with mediocrity and expect results. LeBron, like Zack Morris, represents singular greatness. Anderson Varejao, like Leslie Burke, represents mediocrity. At least Zack didn’t have to put up with that crap for seven years.

The problem was the entire extravaganza/debacle that was the “Decision” and the Heat pep rally the next day. Unless LeBron, Wade and Chris Bosh are intentionally positioning themselves as villains, they either have no grasp on how people perceive athletes or they simply don’t care. The fans in Cleveland and Toronto were already upset that their best players were leaving. There is no need to further antagonize them by parading yourselves around and behaving like pompous b-holes. To disregard the passion of sports fans, which is what makes you so popular in the first place, is at the very least incredibly naïve. If it’s not naiveté, then it’s just mean. Zack Morris never would have done something like that. He would have married Carlos Boozer in Vegas and lived happily ever after. Or something like that.

Major League Reference #2

Last but not least, there is sad news to pass along. For those that haven’t already heard, James Gammon passed away on Friday. James Gammon played Cleveland Indians manager Lou Brown in one of the greatest movies of all time, “Major League”. My buddies and I have quoted Lou Brown more than any fake manager in the history of baseball by an incredibly wide margin. James will be missed, but his legacy will live on. I’m sure James is up in heaven now telling some pitcher to forget about the curveball and give him the heater.